Jokes Of The British Isles
by Iiz42Awesome
Summary: Jokes from Sickipedia, a British website, in a few humorous one-shots, hopefully with many nations to join in as it progresses! (sorry for bad summary- I will try to make it better... eventually).
1. Chapter 1

Jokes Of The British Isles

**(I will change the title if I can think of a better one!)**

**AN: This is just a quick thing to get my muse going again, I haven't written in so long...**

**So anyway, these jokes are all from Sickipedia, a British website, so the jokes will mainly be from a British point of view, and can be offensive to people (but I'll try not to post anything too offensive- if you think it is, skip past it, or tell me and i'll see what i can do, but you have been warned...).**

**And I'll give a big thank you to coin1996, while I'm at it, for encouraging me to write about these jokes as well!**

**Disclamer: Don't own Hetalia. Point. **

**Onwards~!**

**X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X**

It had been another dismal world meeting. Nothing had actually gone right, more wrong than usual (if that's possible). That's why we find a certain nation in a bar, head in his hands, groaning about the use of the meetings if all they would do is fight. He had then simply snuck out, and used the quietness of the bar to gather all the thoughts (and just get out of the meeting).

Sighing a little, the English nation took a sip of his tea.

Suprised?

Usually he did do quite a lot of the fighting (no names mentioned- yeah, that's right France, I'm looking at you!), but today England wasn't really up to it. He didn't have to fight all the time, you know! It was just... well, everybody just expected him to fight all the time (and sometimes he did), but it got really tiresome... and he needed a break.  
Well, it would be a break if the bar door hadn't just swung open and let 4 other nations into the place. England tried his best to melt into the chair, but to no use.

"Hey England!" Wales, England's twin brother called, as the 4 made ther way over to the table where England was, "'ow are you, then?"

"Just brilliant, now that you're here." England replied sarcastically, as the others all sat down.

"What's up with you then?" Northern Ireland (his only, [but older] sister) asked, as she took a swig of England's tea, only to grimace and stick out her tounge, as there wasn't enough sugar in it for her.

"Nothi- why are you all looking at me like that?" England replied, watching his siblings in turn. Of course they could tell something was up- and it was probably the meeting, considering Ireland should have been there as well, and he had snuck out as well. Still, they all silently decided that England needed cheering up.  
Scotland hummed a little as he acsessed a website on his phone, quite popular with British people these days (although maybe not for the right reasons).

"What are you doing?" England asked warily.

"Jus' gettin' a few jokes up..." Scotland replied, and the rest of the group waited patiently until he was ready.

"Okay, this is a long 'un, but oh well, you ready?" Scotland asked the other nations, receiving three "yes"'s and a shrug- the latter courtesy of England.

X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X

Unknown to the British Isles, a number of other nations had snuck into the bar looking for England, and had heard everything from "getting a few jokes up" continuing. And due to America being in the group, and France's advice (having known the whole Isles the longest, therefore the best) the whole lot were forced to stay hid behind the bar, just listening in (or eavesdropping, as some would call it).

8 nations, crouched behind the bar, listening in. America, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Belgium, Japan and Romano. To the right person, it would have actually looked quite comical.

"So, this one was posted around the time from the terrorist threats, I believe," the tallest redhead, or Scotland started, with a little smirk:  
"The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666."

At least 4 of the nations in the room could crack a smile. 8 were looking at each other confused, and England had a little glint in his eye, which could develop into a smile given the right prodding. Here Northern Ireland, gestured to be given the phone and continued reading,

"The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability."

Now France was glaring through the bar counter, perhaps wishing it would fly off and hit the occupants of the table opposite. As it happened, he still valued his life and was quite glad it didn't anyway. The other nations behind the bar were unsure of what to think about this apparent British humour. Okay, some didn't even know England had a sense of humour (Romano and Spain mainly). The nations at the table were all cracking up (and England's mouth was twitching upwards), as a Welsh voice took over the reading,

"It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides.""

Italy was understandably confused, and Romano had taken to glaring as well. Then Ireland took over, at which point things got a little awkward,

"The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose"."

Things went deadly quiet.

"Only you could say that Ireland" England groaned, but with a smile upon his lips. Ireland had a cheshire-cat smirk on his face. Scotland rolled his eyes (but couldn't quite forgive Germany for the Blitz just yet. Not yet, since he had hurt his brother. Badly.).  
Germany was avoiding everyone's gaze, finding much interest in the floor instead.

"Let's see, Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels," Wales continued reading from over Ireland's shoulder "and the Sp- oh, England you should read this part out!"

"What?" England said, as he skimmed over, what Wales haad 'suggested' that he read "oohh, no no no, I'm not reading that out." he had to stop himself from bursting out laughing from what he had just read.

"Awww, please!" North begged "I never heard it before!" and she used the puppy eyes, the one which England could never resist.

"Fine," he reluctantly agreed "The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These b-beautifully designed subs have glass b-bottoms so the n-new Spanish navy can get a r-really good look at the old s-Spanish navy... hahaha~"

It became harder and harder to keep calm as England continued reading, and then dissolved into laughing at the end (it really reminded him of his pirate days- and sinking a lot of Spanish ships). Spain was also reminded of their piratical days... although in a less favourable light. He was silently sobbing, while the others were now wondering why the entire table of the British Isles nations were laughing their asses off. Belgium just shrugged, not really getting the joke.  
With tears of laughter, Northern Ireland finished off the whole joke,

"Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case."

"Eh?!" America whispered, but none to quietly as the bartender who had listened in on everything, peered down on them in confusion and slight anger, as he would not have anybody eavesdrop on his best customers (even if they did sometimes destroy his bar, and it took a lot of money to repair).

Scotland had also noticed the eavesdroppers (although maybe earlier on than he'd admit), and ushered his younger brothers, and sister, out of the bar.

"C'mon we might as well go home, eh? Meetin's over anyway, right?" he offered. Ireland nodded a yes in reply.

"Well, at least yer smilin' aye?" Soctland chuckled as he ruffled England's hair. England gave a smile in return.

"Cheers." he said, and with a fleeting glare at the counter, behind which the other 8 nations were hidden, England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Ireland left the bar.

Leaving the other 8 to ponder their thoughts as they were also removed from the building (with threats of calling the police following).

America managed to sum it up in one good sentence:

"British humour suuure is weird."

**AN: These will be a series of one-shots (generally unrelated), and will be updated as I think of more senarios and find more jokes (and try to get writing again). Since it is a British website, these one-shots will mainly include England (and my OC's of the rest of the British Isles), but I'll try to vary it.**


	2. Chapter 2

It was an unusually foggy day in Egypt, when America arrived. He was late for a meeting as per usual, but decided to make a detour anyway, because he'd always wanted to see the pyramids, but never had the time to before. Why not now? (Aside from, y'know missing part of an important world meeting...).

**X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X: X:X**

"Vhere IS America?" Germany asked, voice thundering through the conference room, actually managing to silence everyone in there (which would be a pretty cool feat, if this wasn't a natural occurence for Germany).

"Haven't seen him at all today." England stated, since he was the main one who everybody was looking at. To be honest they did spend a lot of time together (to the joy of the Yaoi Club at least). He then crossed his arms and lent back in his chair, not wanting to talk anymore- just couldn't be bothered really. For now at least.

WHAM!

The doors swang open with a huge force, and there was America (late as usual) with a usual order of a double cheeseburger at hand.

"Sorry I was late guys!" He said in his usual loud voice (which could rival Germany's if he tried) "I went to Giza, saw the pyramids. It was really foggy though, I didn't see the point."

A variety of reactions followed. Some nations didn't get it and had blank faces on, just thinking it was a simple statement, including Germany (untill Italy explained it to him anyway, and then it was only a little snort and little smile anyway). Others got the unintended pun, but tried to hide their laughter, or smiles, like England, Ireland and Japan. And quite a few nations nations started laughing out loud like Italy and Prussia (who had snuck in). And last, but not least, America had realised what was so hilarious about what he had sid and his mouth formed a massive 'O', realising he had just made a joke, and quite a good one at that.

And once one nation started, they all started:

"Well I went to France, went to Paris, saw the tower. It was an eyeful!"

"Yeah? Well, I went to Denmark, to Lego Land! I didn't know what to make of it!" ("Did ya really go to Lego Land, Turkey?" *sigh* "Never mind, Denmark.")

"Went to China, saw the wall. It was great."

"I went to... Arizona... in the US... saw the canyon... it was grand... but no cats... zzzzzzzz" (Greece fell asleep again)

"Well I, like, went to San Francisco in America right? Saw that Golden Gate Bridge they have there. I totally couldn't get over it, like."

"I went to Big Island, ummm... in Hawaii, saw the lava fields. That was pretty hot..."

"Took a trip to Jordan (the country y'know?). That was the lowest point of the trip..." ("Y'know, 'cause it isn't very high up an-" "We know, Belgium~!")

"I went there too! Saw Petra (with the rock-cut buildings [things]). That memory is definately carved in stone!"

"Went to Israel, saw the salt filled sea. Not a very popular spot, it was dead really." ("Shut up Egypt.". "Only making a joke Israel.")

"I went to Italy, trekked up Mount Etna. That was a high point!"

"Da? I went to The Optimists cave, in Ukraine. It was all I'd hoped it would be."

After the laughter had all died down, America remarked:

"It was a once in a lifetime trip, and enjoyable, but I won't be going again~."

**X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X: X:X:X:X**

"Can we finally get some work done?" Germany grumbled.

...

...

Nothing got done that day.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: So, we're picking on France here, so remember that you don't have to read it if you get too offended.**

**And a thanks to coin1996 (again), since she gave me a basic idea for this chapter (perhaps without realising what it'd become~), and some insults (because I am half-asleep)! That is all.**

**And I don't own Hetalia...**

In a cosy little cafe in Lisbon (the capital of Portugal), two nations were having a mindless chat about nothings, taking a break from a ridiculously long meeting about their alliance and all the treaties to do with it. Well it was the oldest in the world, it was bound to have a lot of treaties!

"Hey, Portugal," England asked "Do we have to go back soon?" He was referring to their meeting of course. The mediterranean nation didn't even bother to think about this question, as he was in a relaxed mood, and just gave a vague answer.

"Pffft," he shrugged "I could always ring _meu chefe_ and say we're not coming back...?"

"No we should go back and help, I just asked if we should go back soon." England stated and Portugal gave a warm chuckle.

"You _inglês _and your work!" he laughed, sea-blue eyes lit in laughter, as other than that he looked almost exactly like Spain (and was a hair's width taller as well) and was also more built up as well (so he attracted a lot of admiring girls wherever he went... which could sometimes be a problem. [this wasn't one of those times though]). England huffed a little, but said nothing and took a sip of his tea. He could definately make better than this tea, but you have to make-do with what you have, eh?

The pair sat in silence for a while, untill England suddenly found his eyes covered by two larger hands, and a deep Scottish accent announcing "Suprise!", with Portugal bursting out in laughter, while England spluttered for something to say. When he found he could see again, Scotland had sat on England's left (with Portugal still on his right), practically trapping him (if he couldn't get out by swiveling around on his chair and hopping off, like most other people would... but to be fair they were in a corner, backs against the walls).

"What are you doing here?!" England exclaimed, puzzlement all over his face.

"Seeing whit you two lovebir's are up ta, why?" Scotland replied, with a completely straight face, resulting in England blushing extremely hard, and both England and Portugal spluttering for words to say. In reality the two were just very good friends, and would stick up for each other a lot, but of course England's brothers would never pass up on a chance to tease him about it. Spain and Portugal didn't talk much, and any talk between them was quite tense.

After calming down enough to speak (from laughing his arse off), Scotland simply said, "Nah, I've just though' of something. Apparently there's gonna be a vote in France today."

"Really?" Portugal asked, since England was way too red in the face still, and was still quite annoyed. Although he did look interested in what Scotland was about to say.

"Yeah, they're planning to remove the two outer colours from their flag and keep the middle one!" Scotland laughed, and after a little pause England laughed as well. Portugal chuckled quite a bit too, as being around England for a while, he had to get used to the British sense of humour, especially when they picked on France.

"I think it was nice to see, at the 2012 Olympics, for Team GB (Great Britain) that France had actually painted red and blue stripes onto their flag..." Portugal added, which earned more laughter and a "Nice one~" from England.

All was well and the three nations relaxed in a comfortable silence and watched the outside world pass by, untill they spotted one religious man shouting things to other civilians, in Portugese of course, but all three were fluent and they heard him shouting, "If you have sinned, you will go to Hell! Repent now!". England snorted, something coming to mind.

"Telling me I'm going to Hell for something doesn't actually scare me. You should try threatening me with a place that actually exists... like France."

And all three were in the middle of laughing, when a familiar blonde, with a blue cape practically sprinted into the cafe, nearly knocking over tables (so it was lucky that nobody else was there), stopping in front of the three nations.

"Wha-" England started before he was cut of by the newest arrival.

"You guys are so mean to ze beautiful _moi_! 'Ow could you?!" France cried, tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. Crocodile tears obviously.

"Ah'm getting more inspiration the more you stan' here." Scotland commented dryly, and France (being the drama queen that he is), mimed his heart being broken and uttering "You are so mean~...!"

And all might have been well again, if Ireland hadn't then strolled into the cafe and taken a seat next to Portugal, smirking, as if nothing was up and this was normal (which clearly meant he had been up to something).

"And what are you doing here?!" England getting more confused by this turn of events. He was only supposed to be here with Portugal, on a little break, but now everybody seemed to be turning up!

"Weeellll..." Ireland launched himself into a not-very-thought-out explanation "I saw you and Portugal going in'o the cafe, then Scotland, then I saw France watching you, Portugal and Scotland go in'o the cafe, then I saw 'im followin' you, Portugal and Scotland into the cafe, so I followed 'im, followin' you, Portugal and Scotland in'o the cafe." And he finished with a nod, clearly pleased with his explaination. Portugal and France simply nodded, knowing there was logic in there somewhere, and England and Scotland looked like they had understood every word. Must be a family thing.

"An' I heard you were poking fun at France~!" Ireland added really casually, as though he was talking about the weather. Somewhere in the background, France possibly whimpered. "Y'know I went to the Louvre art gallery last week, an' I asked if it was okay to take a picture and they said it was," In the background France was shaking his head 'no', not wanting to hear the rest of it.

"I must say the Mona Lisa looks pretty damn good on my living room wall!" and the entire table sputtered to life with laughter.

"Hahaha~ Ah, I got one," Scotland laughed, wiping tears of joy away "I got arrested in France once. They said I'd have to surrender my passport, but I stood up to 'em and went "Never! Surrender yours!"..." he paused for effect.

"And?" Portugal asked. Scotland split a Cheshire grin upon everybody.

"I now have several French Police Officers passports!" he cackled. France was very close to tears at this point (to be fair he didn't have the same rough upbringing as the brothers- even if he had known them for most of that time).

"You know McDonald's have been doing the Great Tastes of America this month- different burgers based on places around America," England began, and at a nod from the other three (France was glad he wasn't mentioned in this joke- for now, but fate must really not like him today), he continued "Well, they were going to do one in honour of France... but it turns out that they already make a McChicken sandwich."

And then France took it upon himself to retaliate. It was probably mainly because England had made the last comment, and it had simply become his nature to retaliate, as it was with England whenever he made a comment like that (even if England had just been making a joke).

"_Angleterre_, you are too mean at times! Well guess what? You're ze black sheep of Europe, an island, no wonder your cooking is dreadful, nobody even wants to vist you to 'elp you improve 'cause no matter what you always burn it, and you are very black 'earted and very loveless, so zat even children do not want to be around- no wonder zey left! And zen you... uhh... umm... " he only paused for breath inbetween insults, but drifted off when he saw what exactly was happening at the table.

Portugal was soothingly rubbing his hand on England's back and whispering comforting words, while England, in turn, had bowed his head preferring to study the table for now, and was gripping the table very tightly, enough to turn his knuckles white and to set his entire frame trembling ever so slightly. Scotland and Ireland however, had clenched jaws, and trapped France in their combined glares, like trapping an animal in headlights. Somehow France immediately regretted saying anything... perhaps even coming...

"Now 'old on a minute.. hehe... I mean I wasn't... uhhh... didn't mean to..." he tried to bluff his way out but got quieter and quieter, especially when Scotland and Ireland stood up and towered over him (well Scotland anyway- the man was just as tall as Russia really!).

**X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X: (30 Minutes Later~) X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X:X**

"Ummm... _hola Francia_... what are you... ummm... doing?"

France groaned, from where he had been simply dumped, black and blue, onto the Spainard's front porch. He didn't look good to say the least.

"_Bonjour, _*groan*... can I stay for a while...?... untill Angleterre and 'is brothers go back to zheir island anyway..."

"Okay... what did you do?"

"Just tried to get my own back! *groan* Is zat too much to ask?"

"To who...?"

"_Angleterre_... 'e is fun to get wound up... _mais_ 'is brothers..."

"... France..."

"*groan*... _oui_...?"

"You're lucky you're not dead." One of the rare time Spain could observe the mood recieved the sunlight it deserves.

**AN: And here Google Translate gets a peek-in! Please correct me if I'm wrong guys!**

Portugese:

_meu chefe_- my boss

_inglês_- english

French

_moi_- me

_Angleterre_- England

_Bonjour_- Hello

_mais_- but

_oui_- yes

Spanish

_hola_- hello

_Francia_- France

**And I have just realised that England will be in a lot of these one-shots... and our humour is quite unique (in my opinion). Meh, who else is better suited to telling our jokes!**

**And I may also not update for a while (I've really grown to like this story!), as I do have to go back to school soon... with a ton of homework to do! (not to mention other things too, which are taking up my life at the moment), so I am sorry there.**

**However, please review! They'll help this fic to move up my importance list!**


End file.
